


I Don't Wanna Say Goodbye

by closetbidisaster



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friends With Benefits, not too much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23600491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetbidisaster/pseuds/closetbidisaster
Summary: Why don't take some time?Why don't we take just a little more time?Why don't we make it right?Girl I don't wanna say goodbyeOrFriends with benefits are always messy
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 2
Kudos: 98





	I Don't Wanna Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Good day my dudes. I hope this Soran fic is enough to hold you people over while I continue working on chapter 16 of Diamonds Don't Shatter.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lindsey wakes up to an empty bed. The sheets are still warm, signaling that Emily hadn’t been awake very long. Her eyes catch sight of the equipment bag set next to the bedroom door, with a duffel sitting on top. It’s one of her least favorite sights; it reminds her that Emily no longer lives in Portland, and worst of all, they weren’t actually together.

They had been on the verge of starting _something_ but then the trade had happened. The day Emily had returned to Portland to pack her things, Lindsey had joined her. She had just wanted to help, she wanted to be there for her best friend who had just had her life turned upside down. But the smaller woman had been struggling to keep her feelings neutral and, after many tears and a half, almost too late, confession, they wound up spending the night together.

\--

_Emily looks around the empty apartment and everything feels wrong. The walls are bare, there are boxes in every room, and worst of all, Lindsey is watching her like a hawk. She can’t make eye contact with her though; she’s afraid of what she might see. Or say. Or do._

_“I can’t believe it’s over,” she finally speaks. “I’ve never even thought about playing anywhere other than Portland.”_

_“I’m really gonna miss you, Son. I already do.”_

_The tears are already falling from Emily’s eyes and Lindsey’s heart twists in her chest, but she had meant what she said. It wasn’t fair; after months, years even, of back and forth, of never having the right timing, they had finally almost had what they wanted._

_The trade had ruined everything. It had shot Emily’s confidence and it halted whatever they had been attempting following the end of the season. She wouldn’t even look at Lindsey properly and she was shaking slightly._

_Lindsey moved to hug her, to comfort her. Emily nearly collapsed in her arms, overwhelmed by her emotions. It wasn’t fair. She had been so close to telling Lindsey how she felt, so close to being ready to be with her. And now she was standing in the middle of her old apartment, now empty, crying in her best friend’s arms and hating life for being so cruel._

_Lindsey was whispering things in her ear, trying to soothe her but it was all going in one ear and out the other._

_“Em.”_

_Lindsey rarely called her that, she usually only did when the matter at hand was serious. Emily pulls back slightly, allowing herself to finally look at Lindsey. She immediately regrets it when she sees the pain in her best friend’s eyes._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Lindsey’s brows furrow in confusion._

_“What for?”_

_“For taking so long to do this.”_

_She kisses Lindsey and she knows she shouldn’t; she is about to move to Orlando and she still isn’t sure how Lindsey actually feels about her. But she also knows she can’t not kiss her right now, she can’t ignore her own feelings, her own desires, even if it’s only for tonight._

_And when Lindsey kisses her back, Emily knows that if this is wrong, she never wants to be right again._

\--

Emily had left the following morning, slipping out before Lindsey had even woken up. They didn’t directly discuss it, but they had fallen into an unspoken agreement; they weren’t together but anytime they were in the same city, they wound up in bed together.

And last night had been no different.

Orlando was in town, marking the first game Emily had ever played in Providence Park in a uniform other than a Thorns one. Lindsey had picked her best friend up from the airport and had taken her to her apartment. The unspoken rules included no sex before the game but it didn’t stop them from making out on Lindsey’s couch like teenagers.

The game came and went, with Portland securing a narrow win. Lindsey had waited for Emily and had promptly taken her home and taken care of her. They had both shut their brains off, not allowing reality to be a factor while they were together.

\--

_Lindsey adjusted her jersey slightly and tried to keep her breathing steady. She refrained from looking to her right, not wanting to look at Emily. She was hyper-aware of the fact that they were close together and she knew that Emily was feeling extremely weird about being here in a uniform other than a Thorns one._

_She tried not to think about how only three hours before this moment, they were making out on her couch. She also tried not to think about their plans for after the game but it was very hard when she closed her eyes and her brain painted images of waking up next to Emily. She sighed; this was going to be a long game._

_About halfway through the game, Lindsey and Emily got tangled and wound up on the ground. They both groaned slightly upon impact, Emily more so since she was underneath Lindsey. Lindsey had gotten up quickly and tugged Emily up, smiling apologetically._

_“I thought I was going to have to wait until after the game to get you on top of me.”_

_Lindsey’s face had gotten very hot and she had walked away quickly, trying to refocus on the game._

_After the game, Tobin had told Lindsey that the national teammates and a few other players were meeting up somewhere and asked if she would like to join. Lindsey worked her way through some lame excuse and had promptly gone to find Emily._

_She had taken Emily home and she had been extremely happy with her decision. She had also refused to let herself think about the reality of Emily returning to Orlando the following morning, focusing instead on the woman in front of her._

_Reality would have to wait; Lindsey had plans._

\--

Lindsey is pulled from her thoughts about their situation by the sound of her door opening. She looks up and sees Emily standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame and smiling at her while holding two cups of coffee. Lindsey tried to pretend that there were _not_ butterflies in her stomach when she saw that Emily was wearing an old UVA t-shirt and a pair of Lindsey’s Thorns training shorts.

“Morning, sleepyhead.”

Emily approached the bed and handed Lindsey one of the mugs. The action, and Emily’s choice of clothing, screamed domesticity, something Lindsey was choosing to ignore. She really wanted to kiss the smaller blonde but she decided to drink her coffee instead.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Really well,” Emily blushes slightly. “You, uh, wore me out.”

Lindsey blushes a bit too, though she is mostly filled with pride. And, now she _really_ wants to kiss Emily, but before she can make a move, the other blonde is standing and heading for her bags. Lindsey knows what this means and she does not like it one bit. She knows Orlando has a bye week so she also knows Emily doesn’t technically have to leave.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting my stuff. I have to be at the airport soon.”

She shoulders her duffel bag, looking at Lindsey with one eyebrow raised. Lindsey stood from the bed, fully aware that she isn’t wearing much clothing, and makes her way towards Emily. The shorter blonde stands, frozen, but her eyes are glued to Lindsey’s figure. She lets the taller one take her duffel from her and toss it to the side before grabbing her hand and leading her back towards the bed.

“Linds, my flight-”

“Can wait,” Lindsey interrupts.

“But-,” she attempts to protest.

“Em.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and get in bed.”

* * *

The next time Lindsey wakes up, it’s due to Emily yelling at her.

“Lindsey Michelle!”

Her eyes fly open and she sits up quickly. She can’t see Emily but based on the sound of her voice, she’s in trouble with the smaller blonde. When she enters the room, looking rather unamused, Lindsey knows she was right. The only problem is that she doesn’t know what she did.

“Is there a reason you middle-named me? Or why you’re glaring at me?”

Emily grabs the hood of the sweatshirt she is wearing, one she had stolen from Lindsey months before, and moves it to the side. Lindsey is still confused until her eyes find a mark on the other woman’s neck, hidden only by the hood. She can’t help the smirk that appears, laughing when Emily rolls her eyes.

“Wipe that smirk off your face, I’m mad at you.”

“Why?”

“Because we agreed on no visible marks. Do you have any idea how hard this is going to be to explain to my teammates? Or my family?”

And Lindsey wants to ask why it matters what Emily’s teammates think. But she doesn’t have to because she already knows why it matters. They weren’t exactly advertising their relationship (or whatever this was) to their friends; it would make it harder and would force them to face reality, which was something neither of them wanted to do.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

No, she’s not. But she does feel slightly bad considering Emily really has no feasible reason to wear a hoodie (or any sweatshirt for that matter) while living in Orlando. On the other hand, if Lindsey had it her way, they wouldn’t have anything to hide from their friends.

Deciding to change topics, Lindsey looks at the clock before looking back at Emily, smirking once more.

“You missed your flight.”

“I know. I had to call Ali and reassure her that I wasn’t dead or kidnapped. I’m gonna book a flight for tonight.”

“You could do that,” Lindsey agrees, “or, you could stay a couple extra days.”

“Linds,” Emily speaks softly. “I do have to return to Orlando at some point.”

“But not yet,” she argues. “I know you guys have a bye week. Stay a couple days more, I’ll pay for your new flight.”

Emily doesn’t respond, making her way over to Lindsey and kissing her. Lindsey smiles into it, knowing she won. And, really, they should quit while they are already behind but Lindsey doesn’t think she will ever tire of kissing Emily.

Reality could wait; Lindsey could not.

* * *

Lindsey knocks on the hotel door, rocking back on her heels as she waits for it open. When it does, Emily says nothing, opting to pull her inside and pushing her against the door to kiss her.

“Whoa,” Lindsey says after pulling away. “Someone’s a little excited to see me.”

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t come here with ulterior motives, Horan.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she says, feigning innocence.

Deciding two can play at that game, Emily backs off and returns to her bed, turning on the television. She channel surfs, searching for something to watch and waits for Lindsey to join her.

“You just gonna stand there?”

Lindsey shakes her head slightly, clearing it and walks over to join Emily. She lays down on the bed and tries to pay attention to whatever is playing on the screen in front of her but in her periphery, she sees Emily and her mind is wandering. They had refrained from spending the night together for months now, focused entirely on the Olympics and the subsequent Victory Tour.

But this afternoon had been the final Victory Tour match, meaning they had the evening to themselves. Lindsey had put Rose, Sam, and Mal under strict instructions to leave them alone. It hadn’t taken a lot of convincing; Rose was flying back to Washington and Sam was going back to North Carolina this evening anyways. Mal would go to New Jersey the following morning, but she was spending the evening with some of the older players, leaving Lindsey and Emily alone and Lindsey had plans for the two of them but Emily was being a little shit.

“So what do you wanna watch?”

Lindsey blinks, mind trying to catch up from where it had been wandering.

“What?”

“You said you were coming over to watch something,” Emily smiles innocently, “so what do you wanna watch?”

Her smile is teasing now as she waits for Lindsey to answer her.

“I have a couple ideas,” she responds, eyes on Emily’s lips as she does.

“Oh is that so?”

Lindsey just nods, head too fuzzy to actually say anything.

“What did you have in mind?”

Lindsey looks up into Emily’s eyes, smirking.

“I could show you better than I could tell you.”

* * *

Lindsey’s not sure how she got here.

That’s a lie, she is well aware of how she got here but she would rather not think about it. She doesn’t want to think about Emily asking her to change her flight from Denver to Atlanta and her agreeing with no hesitation. She doesn’t want to think about Emily jumping into her arms and burying her face into Lindsey’s neck when she picked her up from the airport. And she absolutely does _not_ want to think about how cute Emily looks sleeping in her arms.

She needs to get a handle on this. She needs coffee. Getting out of the bed, she quickly gets dressed, not even registering that she threw on an old, oversized UVA soccer sweatshirt until she is already in the kitchen. She starts the coffee maker and ignores the sweatshirt, but she cannot keep her mind from wandering.

She can’t help herself as she thinks about how different things would be if the trade hadn’t happened. Her mind wanders to their first night together and how it had been everything she had been wanting but it was tainted with sadness. Kissing Emily’s tears away, refusing to talk about what would happen when the sun rose, still having yet to actually talk about it.

She felt ridiculous, letting herself sleep with her best friend who she was in love with, but not admitting anything. She sighs and pours two cups of coffee, looking at the clock and dreading what was to come.

Entering the room, she ignored the flip her stomach did when she saw Emily smiling softly at her. She wordlessly handed the smaller blonde her mug and gave her own small smile.

“I should get my stuff together. My flight is in a few hours.”

Emily studies her for a moment.

“You don’t have to leave, you know? Season’s over.”

“I was supposed to be in Denver a week ago.”

“Right…”

Emily seems nervous and Lindsey feels bad. She wants to kiss away the smaller blonde’s worry, but she reminds herself that she can’t do that. She’s not Emily’s girlfriend, no matter how badly she wants to be. If she had a dollar for every time she had bitten her tongue and refrained from fully confessing her feelings for Emily, she would be able to afford a new apartment. But she continued to keep her feelings to herself because it meant she could be there for her physically.

“You don’t have to leave, though. Seriously.”

“My flight, Em-”

“Your flight can wait,” Emily echoes Lindsey’s words from months before back to her. “I, however, cannot.”

Lindsey hesitates, prompting Emily to pull her in for a kiss. When she pulls back, she gives Lindsey a cheeky smile.

“C’mon,” she coaxes, “I’ll pay for your new flight.”

Lindsey caves.

“Wipe that smile off your face and kiss me already.”

* * *

“You know you’re an idiot, right?”

Lindsey glares at Rose who is staring at her.

“Shut up,” she grumbles.

“Look, we all know Sonny is blind as a bat. But, come on, we also all can see how in love with her you are.”

Lindsey goes to protest but Rose silences her by raising one hand.

“Don’t even _think_ about lying to me about it. You can pretend all you want with her, but I know you’re in love with her. And I know you’re an idiot for thinking she’s not in love with you too.”

“I’m not in love with her,” she weakly argues and Rose gives her a look but stays silent, waiting for Lindsey to continue.

“It wouldn’t work anyways. She’s three thousand miles away and neither of us have ever done long-distance before,” she is rambling at this point and working herself up.

She cuts herself off abruptly, confusing Rose until she turns around and sees Emily making her way towards their table. She turns back to face Lindsey who is frozen, a dazed look on her face and she rolls her eyes.

Lindsey’s mind goes blank when she sees Emily approaching her and Rose, wearing one of her old sweatshirts. When her brain kicks back on, it takes her back to the previous night and Lindsey thanks God that the weather is cool enough to justify a hoodie. 

\--

_“What about the ‘no sex at camp’ rule?”_

_Emily pulls back from Lindsey and looks at her._

_“Seriously?” Emily groans in frustration. “Why do you have to be responsible?”_

_“Well, one of us has to be.”_

_Emily sighs and takes a step back._

_“Fine. I’m going to my room. You’re more than welcome to join me for non-sexual activities.”_

_She turns on her heels and walks away, leaving Lindsey leaning against a wall and arguing with herself. She lasts about five seconds before pushing off and high-tailing it to Emily’s room. Emily opens the door with a smirk and Lindsey pushes her back inside._

_“Wipe that smirk off your face.”_

_“Make me.”_

\--

Emily sits next to Lindsey and adjusts the hood on her sweatshirt slightly, causing Lindsey to smile and look down because she knows what lies underneath. She also tries to ignore the butterflies in her stomach that erupted when Emily gave her the softest of smiles, one that Lindsey swore was reserved for her. But she would never admit that to anyone out loud.

“Hey, Sonny, when is your flight back to Atlanta?”

“Tomorrow afternoon, why?”

Rose smiles at her sweetly.

“Just want to make sure you don’t miss it again.”

* * *

Lindsey wakes up to find herself in a situation that is all too familiar and yet, never seems to get any easier. The sheets are still warm and she can hear Emily moving around and she hates the feeling she gets when she sees the bags by the door.

She can hear Emily muttering to herself as she looks for something. Lindsey sits up and watches her move around the room for a couple more seconds before speaking.

“What are you doing?”

Emily turns around quickly.

“Oh, did I wake you? Sorry, I’m trying to find my other shoe,” she sounds distracted as she looks around the room.

“No, you didn’t wake me. Why are you looking for your shoe?”

“Uh, cause my flight to Atlanta leaves in a couple of hours and Kelley is picking me up from the airport. If I miss my flight, she’ll kill me. Found it!”

Lindsey can’t help but smile at Emily’s ridiculously triumphant smile at having found her shoe. She also can’t stop the next words that tumble out of her mouth.

“Wait...just stay.”

Emily freezes for a moment before turning to face Lindsey properly.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you always ask me to stay longer?”

Lindsey doesn’t respond right away and Emily is afraid she’s pushed things too far. But she couldn’t take it anymore; her feelings are too deep, too real, to hide anymore. She almost wants to leave because she doesn’t want to let it slip.

“It’s not the same when you’re not here,” she whispers and Emily nearly misses it.

“What’s not the same?”

“Everything.”

Lindsey stands quickly and kisses Emily but the smaller blonde pulls away quickly, looking down. She can’t afford to make eye contact; she knows that if she does, she won’t be able to leave but she needs to get some air, to get a grip on her feelings for her best friend.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, “I have to catch my flight.”

She backs away and grabs her things, leaving without looking back.

* * *

Emily hates herself. She hates herself for leaving, for running like a coward, for refusing to face her own feelings. She is sitting at the terminal, waiting to board, but when they call for her flight, she doesn’t move. She can’t, even when they make two final boarding calls for her flight.

Sighing and looking up, she spots a familiar-looking figure walking towards and staring out the window, at the plane she is supposed to be on. She stands slowly and makes her way towards the figure. The plane backs away from the gate and makes its way towards the runway. The figure is shaking slightly and Emily is positive it’s Lindsey but it can’t be. Lindsey wouldn’t have followed her; Lindsey should hate her for leaving like a coward.

But it is Lindsey. Lindsey Horan is standing in the airport, watching a plane taking off for Atlanta and thinking that Emily is on said plane. She stands just two steps behind the taller blonde and studies her momentarily. She can’t help herself when the words slip out.

“Why do you want me to stay?”

Lindsey whips around, eyes wide as her brain tries to process that Emily is, in fact, _not_ on the plane but standing in front of her. Emily takes a step forward and repeats herself.

“Why do you want me to stay?”

Lindsey throws every last care out the window, taking a step forward and kissing Emily right there in the airport terminal. She pulls away and looks into Emily’s eyes and the smaller blonde realizes she definitely screwed up when she nearly left. How she hadn’t seen it before was beyond her.

“I want you to stay because I care about you.”

Emily sighs and takes a step back.

“I care about you, too, Linds. There’s another flight leaving in, like, an hour. If you want me to stay, I need you to say it.”

She needed to hear it out loud, she needed any doubt she had left to be washed away. She could see it, but hearing it would make it real and it needed to be real for her to call Kelley and tell her that she had changed flight dates.

“I want you to stay because I don’t want to say goodbye,” Lindsey pauses, “because I love you.”

It’s Emily’s turn to take a step forward again, grabbing Lindsey’s face and kissing her. She pulls away, smiling shyly.

“I love you, too.”

“Can I talk you into staying a couple extra days? I’ll pay for your new flight.”

Emily nods, kissing her once more.

“Yeah, I’ll stay. But, uh, I need to call Kelley and let her know I’ll be a couple of days.”

“Call her from the car, come on,” Lindsey motions for them to leave. “I wanna take you home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to my fellow Soran spirallers (still not sure that's actually a word) for inspiring this fic and yelling inspiration at me.
> 
> Chapter 16 of Diamonds Don't Shatter will hopefully be published next week!
> 
> Until next time, feel free to yell at me on Tumblr or here :)


End file.
